Guru -Land — where none of the rides are free
By Claude W. Diamond J.D.

Step right up ladies and gentleman, yes, right this way. You are now entering Guru-Land located right here in the heart of beautiful East Bumble, Florida. We have an enriching fun filled wallet sucking day that you and the entire family will enjoy. Games and rides for the entrepreneurial family.

Our tour begins at:
NO ONE REALLY WANTS IT LAND
Take the wandering bus ride. We will actually get on a classic 1967 greyhound, 127 seater (with no bathroom) and go to properties located in beautiful downtown West Bumble, Florida. Yes, tour homes that no one really wants to live in, but you will. We know just how to entice you to purchase these quaint relics of a bygone era. Think of all the fun you will have when you get up at sunrise every morning to repair all the fixtures, appliances and replace the carpeting.Fun,Fun,Fun

FIXER UPPER CITY
IMAGINE having your name embossed on an original Guru-Land plunger hat (our logo). You will be challenged to see how many toilets you can flush within a given time. Don’t be concerned about wasting the water because it’s all recycled. Yep, the fun never stops here at Guru-Land.

HAUNTED HOUSE
The Tenant and Toilet House of HORROR. You get to go to our 3D hologram of an actual house. You get to fix it up and rent it out to our favorite tenants. You actually get to meet Marty and Morticia Satanowski (AKA: The Tenants from Hell) and try to evict them. You will then be whisked away to our onsite courthouse where you defend yourself against liberal judges who think tenants who write bad checks and destroy your home, while you make the payments, are always right. It’s a laugh riot.

FUTURE INVESTOR LAND
In Future Investor Land you will see the fixer upper of the future. A home entirely constructed of old recycled books and tapes. It actually cost Guru-Land almost ten million dollars just to build the bathroom. So much for the nuthin’ down concept.

BAIT’EM-SWITCH’EM LAND
Entrance Price 100K. (Formally known as Lov’em and Heave Them City). Your guides will be Al the Obnoxious Gopher and his holiness Juan Cross who will show you how to use our new virtual unreality system. You will actually travel to prisons from Atlanta to Las Vegas. Once you arrive you will be ushered into a private meeting with his holiness where you will be asked how much money you have. (If it’s enough, he’ll take it; just because he cares about you!) You will be fingerprinted and then be ushered into our low cost new recidivism center. But Wait....it gets even better folks! You get to have your head shaved and receive your own set of designer gray pinstripes, each one individually numbered for its own uniqueness. You leave with our armloads of costly, you guessed it, books and tapes. You will then become an associate of Al and Juan, but don’t ever call to speak to Mr. Juan Cross because he will be too busy to speak with just anyone. Good old lov’em and leav’em Juan.

SAY CHEESE CENTER
No trip to Guru-Land could be complete without a visit to our Photography Studio. Here, with our unique image enhancing technology, we can have you and your significant other holding large phony checks besides the background of your choice. Imagine yourself in a picture holding these large worthless papyrus sums by a palm tree, an expensive car or a even a swimming pool. WOW, could it ever get better than this? GET RICH QUICK SEMINAR
And what day of fun here at Guru-Land would be complete without visiting our own seminar center. Imagine being locked into a room with 5000 of your new, hot, sweaty and flatulent friends in our under air conditioned center. This seminar is all about how we got rich quick doing seminars just like this.

FOOD COURT
If it’s the food you came for, why not try our hot coal walking barbecue pit (and first aid center). MMmmmm, just listen to the sizzle of those toes. Please pass the grey poupon.

GIFT SHOP
Of course, no visit to Guru-Land would be complete without dropping into our Gift and Souvenir Shop. Imagine opening your next beer with a Marko MacHarold & Son dual purpose bottle opener and book mark! And who couldn’t use the Bobbit G. Allan pot holder collection ?

THE ELECTRIC LIGHT CHARADE
During the day you will be entertained by our own unique Guru-Land characters Electric Light Charade. Cartoons like Dopee the Landlord, Snoozy the Real Estate Agent and the unforgettable Sleazy the Sheister. Then there’s Dot Ditto, Corky Mccorkle, Sunny Blockhead and the rest of the gang. Yes, all your lovable furry favorites for you to identify and play along with.

HOTEL
We provide luxurious accommodations at the CARLTON INN, with Clean Sheets. The food is always prepared for the discriminating gourmand at the La Grand Corn Fritter Quick Flip Pancake Stand. Just call our boiler room for reservations. We have a staff of 25 ex-real estate agents to assist you 24 hours a day.

PARTING SOUVENIRS
Finally, if you would like a memento of your visit to Guru-Land, we have, believe it or not, plenty of Books, Tapes and CD’s available for sale (of course) ! No creative financing allowed but All major credit cards are accepted.
Remember ! Next time you win the Super Bowl, tell the cameras that you’re going to Guru-Land; where all your worst nightmares can become a reality! (Also available on tape).